Conclusion

I think this blog has now reached its conclusion.  

It is nearly 2 years since Pete had his stroke and, far from moving forward, he is now worse than when he first came home from hospital - with no indication that things will ever improve now.  

I started the blog with high hopes and with plenty to say about the situation, but now every day is the same and I have nothing to say.

I am a 24/7 carer, the only breaks being one and a half hour to go shopping in town once a week and about one hour a week at tesco and/or the Co Op.

I did think things would be better once I could drive and we could go out, but that was wishful thinking as Pete refuses to leave the house except for appointments - he won't even go for a walk around the garden, never mind a drive.

The aphasia is as severe as ever and his mobility has deteriorated.  He has a permanent catheter and also epilepsy (fortunately kep under control at present).  

What else is there to say? Nothing.

So, I'm thinking, That's All Folks.  

Physiotherapy, Dentist and Winning.

One day earlier in the week (can't remember which day) Pete tried to go outside but came to grief on the step in that his right foot kept turning in and he nearly fell.  This put him right off and he wouldn't go out.  I have also noticed that when he walks he doesn't bend his right leg at all, so we decided to go back to the very beginning and do some of the physiotherapy leg exercises that he used to do.  They really seem to hurt him but this is probably because he hadn't used the muscles for weeks and weeks.  So we will persevere with them and try to get the leg working a bit better. 

Yesterday was the trip to the dentist again and Pete had to have a tooth out and have a filling.  For the first time he had to transfer to the dentist chair, but we did manage it fairly easily. It all went well and he doesn't seem to have had any after effects apart from a sore jaw.  I did tell the dentist that he had aphasia and got a very puzzled look in return!  So had to explain he has no speech but can understand everything - I don't like saying he has no speech as it always seems to emphasise the fact to him.  We have had a couple of times this week when Pete has desperately wanted to say something to me and I have not been able to get what he wants to say - this is so frustrating and I feel so sorry for him.  Incidentally, on the visit to the dentist I did manage to find a dropped kerb after walking the full length of the pavement and turning the corner - and there it was!! 

One bright spot this week is that I won a copy of a book called 'Locked In'.  It is written by Richard Marsh and describes his struggle, and eventual release, from locked in syndrome.  I am really looking forward to reading it.  I won it in a competition run by Chris Banting who has a website which gives details of all aspects of strokes.  (www.mystroke.co.uk) Chris is an amazing young man who had 2 strokes four years ago when he was only 29.  Through a lot of very hard work and effort he is making a recovery and does loads to help others.  Inspiration indeed. 

Addiction

Addiction - a very sensitive subject.  I thought a lot about whether or not I would write this post about Pete's addiction to some of the medication he takes - it has caused me much worry and puts me in a dilemma as to whether or not to support him.  I feel incredibly guilty that I have let the situation occur and, in fact, have helped him feed the addictions.  It is very hard to admit this.  

The main problem is that Pete has a very low tolerance of pain and suffers from dysthesia (that may be the wrong word, I can't remember!) which is abnormal and heightened sensitivity.  During a particularly bad period of pain the GP prescribed some oral morphine - and he is still having it!  He is actually allowed 8 spoonfuls a day, but I never ever told him this and have only ever given him one spoon in the morning and another late afternoon - he thinks this is the maximum dose he can have.  He insists he have it, although he doesn't need it really, but for a quiet life and to keep him happy I administer it!!  The other thing he doesn't know is that I have been watering it down for several weeks, and he hasn't noticed, so rather proves my point he doesn't really need it!  

The other medication he insists on having every day, regardless, is the codeine/paracetamol painkillers.  He has been gradually taking more each day to the point where his regular prescription runs out well before the month is up.  I have aided this addiction in that I then buy more but that is getting increasingly difficult as they don't just sell them willy-nilly.  On Monday I picked up his prescription and, by then, he was taking 9 a day - I know, I know, not good by any stretch of the imagination.!   I really had got extremely worried by then so gave him a right lecture and told him he was going to run out of them in 10 days and that then he would be on his own dealing with having NO painkillers apart from regular paracetamol as I was unable, and unwilling, to get any more for the following 20 days.  He really didn't seem bothered about what I said but must have thought about it as yesterday and today he has cut it right back to 4 a day!  Again proving my point that he doesn't really need them.  He has been miserable and bad tempered for these 2 days but that is what I would expect when he suddenly more than halves what he has been having.

His third addiction, which doesn't concern me as much, is that he has to have a sleeping tablet every night.  Won't even try to sleep without it, but I am happy to go along with it as it is pretty miserable not being able to sleep - time drags enough for him I think. 

His final addiction - which I am quite happy to feed - is for a bar of Turkish delight every evening!! 

Anyway, as I said, I have tremendous feelings of guilt in supporting these addictions and find it very hard to admit that I do, but I really hate seeing him in pain, even if it is all in his head! So, judge me as you will, but I wonder what others would do. I do all I can to make his life easier and more bearable, sometimes by doing the wrong thing I know. 

This has probably been one of the hardest blogs to write - it's not easy to admit you haven't done the right thing, but actually I feel better for really admitting and writing about the problem.