A New Year

Another year done, a new one beginning.  I think back to the start of last year when we still hoped for great things, well, that is all gone now and I certainly can't see this year being any better.

It is with certainty that I can say miracles do happen - only not for us.  A friend whose mother was on the heart transplant list got the call to London today and I am so happy for the family but, rather darkly, at the back of my mind lurks the thought, why can't WE have something good happen?  Even my Christmas gift for Pete was stopped in its tracks.  Jealousy is not a nice trait.

We watched a film a few days ago and one character said "hope is a dangerous thing, it gives you a false reality" but then another said "but hope is a good thing, it keeps you going" - I don't know which of these I now believe.  I try to keep hope going but it is getting more and more difficult.  We continue to try to beat the aphasia with the writing and sound exercises but, even though Pete can now actually say a very few words by putting sounds together he is totally unable to use them outside of the exercises.  I met someone I used to work with a few days ago who I had not seen for 2 or 3 years so told her about Pete's stroke and that he had no speech now - this brought the usual response that he can write notes, draw or gesture, on telling her that none of that is possible, what did she say "oh well, at least he can't argue with you or moan at you" !  Yes, fantastic, just what I wanted to hear!  At that point I made my excuses and left (as they say).  

One other thing that is difficult for me is seeing other people getting on with their lives with all the natural joys of each day.  Then you get others that moan about their life when they really don't appreciate what problems others have to deal with.  I freely admit that I used to be like that - the only thing that did affect me was seeing parents with children with many many health problems and this always made me thankful that our boys were healthy, but other than that other people's problems mainly passed me by  - I wish now I had not been so selfish but had stopped and really tried to understand their lives.  But, on the other hand, I don't think anyone can truly understand unless they have been there themselves.

As you can see I am, again, in a very depressed phase.  I think it is comparing our pre-stroke life, after-stroke life and how it is now and I see yet another year stretching ahead with nothing getting any better.  Communication is the life blood of all humans, indeed we even try to communicate with other species.  Being able to talk about anything and everything whenever you want is something we don't think about until it is gone, so, please, all of you, appreciate the gift of speech and/or writing. 

And, with that thought, I will leave you.