Despair (Pete) and Guilt (me)

I last blogged on Sunday and such a lot has happened since with Pete reaching the depths of despair and making a serious attempt on his own life.  Monday he was very down again and kept indicating to his groin, Tuesday I had to go to the dr and when I came back found him in bed having taken 4 sleeping tablets - very worrying but he wasn't out cold and I kept rousing him every 20/30 minutes and we got through that.  I took the packet away and hid them and there were 8 left in the box.  Then yesterday it all came to a head, when we woke at 6.30 am he was again indicating his groin and said he was in pain, but I just kept reiterating that he had no infection and he had to wait another 2 weeks before seeing Dr Saunders and being referred by her to a urologist, but I also said that as he hadn't taken the tablets she prescribed then she probably would not be too impressed.  We had a very bad tempered morning and a couple of distressing things happened which I won't go into.  Pete took himself off to bed after lunch but got up again at about 3, then took himself off again at about 4. When he hadn't reappeared by 6.40 I went to check on him to find him out cold and the box of sleeping tablets on the floor - empty.  I couldn't rouse him so called 999 and an ambulance was there in minutes.  The paramedics managed to get a bit of reaction but said he had to go into hospital to be monitored until the effects wore off.  So, back to A&E and I left him there at 9.45 whilst they waited for a bed for him on the Medical Assessment Unit.  I was obviously very upset, especially as I realised he had gone looking for the tablets and found them, the only lucky thing is that there were only 8 left or goodness knows what the consequences would have been, I dread to think.  

Pete was seen by the consultant this morning and he had indicated to them his pain in his groin so the Consultant Urologist was called and he had a bladder scan where they found that he has not been able to empty his bladder and there was quite a build up of urine, causing the pain and discomfort.  This is when my guilt kicked in - I had not believed him as to how bad it was.  This damned aphasia again causing problems as he couldn't talk to me about how it was for him.

A catheter was put in and, thankfully, this seems to have relieved the problem but he is being referred to the Urologist in Plymouth Hospital.  He was seen by the Psychiatrist this afternoon who then rang me to discuss it.  Having had a long talk with the Psychiatrist about Pete, his history and his feelings we both agreed that this had been a one off brought about because he couldn't get his feelings across.  He has not prescribed anti-depressants as neither of us feel he needs them at the moment, the problem now being sorted.

Pete is now home with the catheter still in, it has to stay in until he has his appointment at Plymouth.  This is a bit daunting but I have been shown how to empty it and how to attach a large bag at night (sorry, probably too much information!) . During the day he has a smaller bag strapped to his leg.  

Pete seems much happier tonight and I am hoping someone is standing by the light switch ready to turn it back on to give a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

The down side is he has no sleeping tablet to take for the next few nights!!!! So, could be long nights but I hope not.

And that is the position at the moment.  Incidentally, the ward staff did seem very nice and had understood his aphasia and given the time he needed to him.