Down Day

I wasn't going to post today as I am feeling quite depressed about the whole situation, but then thought that this is my outlet for my feelings and I want people to understand how a carer can sometimes feel - the bad as well as the good. I don't know why but today it is if it is never going to get any better, (this is stupid as I know that things will improve). The main problem is, of course, this communication business. There really has been no improvement when Pete wants to say something out of the blue - and today, I have to admit, when he has got my attention my first reaction has been 'oh no, not again' I just don't have endless patience like I should have. He must feel this which makes me feel awful. I keep wishing there was an injection for this rather than for his arm - is that wrong? Today I think I would rather he could talk to me somehow or write it down, this seems more important than arm movement. There is absolutely no progress being made in speech and, although he is starting to be able to select the correct letter when asked, he can't just write a word down to give me any clues. I keep thinking about how we used to be then wanting to cry for what we have lost. I don't like to see him just sitting staring into space so have to keep thinking of something for us to do which is pretty relentless. I long for 2 or 3 hours on my own with no worries about where he is or what he is doing or thinking or how the person with him is coping - and I know this is not going to happen for a long long time. He is always on my mind and today, for some reason, I am feeling quite resentful. But I will get over it and we will move on. I am sure, well I certainly hope so, that all carers have days like this and can empathise with me. Another thing is that I was going to fill out a couple of forms today but haven't been able to do so as it almost seems this confirms everything and I still (stupidly) hope we can return to normal.
Sorry that this is a depressing post - but on the up side it has helped me sort my feelings by writing it down and not having to say everything is hunky dory! When anyone asks how things are going the natural reply is 'fine, slow but getting there' and this isn't always so. Hopefully, tomorrow I will be back to normal!